"Please remove your boner. kthnxbye."

Ready for a story? It's about how a guy rubbed his boner on me without my permission. Sick. Let's go! (p.s. there is really no good euphemism for boner. Thus I attempt to use the term with a twinge of humor. I don't know how well that comes across via blog, but that is my intention.)

-- So I take my sister to Glow (a nightclub in Bellingham) for "Spice Girls Night." My sister and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls back in the day (I know there are lots of arguments about whether or not the Spice Girls were feminist or not, but I always appreciated the "girl power" mantra, even if it was pre-packaged consumerist bullshit half the time, I didn't know any better at 11 and "girl power" sounded good to me.) And since we are good 90's girls, we had to go. The cash from "Spice Girls Night" was going towards "LadyFest" which is an all female musicians music fest! Woot! Seeing as how it was a feminist benefit/spice girls party (at Glow, known for being gay friendly) I didn't think I would have to worry about creepers. Boy was I wrong.

I love to dance. And I love to meet people. Usually if a guy approaches me and asks me to dance, I'll go dance. And I HATE being shallow. Not every dude who asks me to dance is going to be David Beckham. And you don't have to be attractive to dance and have a good time.

So this guy comes up to me while I'm in the middle of talking with some girlfriends and asks me to dance.

Red Flag 1: He asked me while I was in the middle of a conversation. Its not THAT big of a red flag, but its rude. And it almost seemed like he thought he was rescuing me. Like I was a woman just waitin' around for a dude to ask me. Clearly, I don't give a shit.

Red Flag 2: He looks like a creeper. But like I said, I don't like to be shallow, I love meeting people, so I'll give this guy a chance.

So we walk over to the dance floor....

Red Flag 3: He immediately grabs my waist.

"Woah buddy. We just met. I don't even know your name!"

Some men feel like immediately getting cozy with a stranger is OK....our society can be like that sometimes, and I understand that. I don't immediately dismiss someone for assuming that. I respectfully give ALL men who approach me and ask me to dance the same line:

"I'll dance with you, but listen: you can't be grinding on me ok? You have to like....spin me and actually dance."

Red Flag 4: He goes "Ok. I'll try. But I'm going to look gay." OH HELL NO. I can't deal with homophobic bullshit. Plus, Glow was pretty clearly full of plenty of gay people. Real Talk: It was Spice Girls. It was a feminist benefit. If you aren't down-- get the hell out. At this point, about 45 seconds into "dancing" with this guy (AKA setting up and explaining my rules of conduct), I am creeped out and ready to leave.

Time to make my escape.

Red Flag 5: He grabs my waist again and says "I usually dance closer with people"

"aaaaaahhhhhhhh....."

So as I am trying to get away, and thinking of a way to do so without completely pushing him off of me and causing a scene....which I really really should have, he grabs me HARD (bad pun...) and rubs his creeper boner on me and says "oops, I accidentally grinded on you...."

Again, I should have pushed him off and made a bigger scene, but instead, I just said "Well Matthew, it was lovely to meet you (in a really sarcastic tone) but you've crossed the line with me, and now I am going to walk away." and I walked away.

Just thinking about the incident makes me shutter. I feel so violated. Especially since I consider myself a strong empowered woman. Even though there were many red flags and I should have followed my gut; it is NOT my fault that this guy was an asshole creeper. But I just think about how far that guy could have gone and how much more that guy could have harassed a girl who wasn't as strong as me. Even I let it go on for far too long. I should have stopped him right after he grabbed my waist. And even after I walked away, I didn't do anything about it. It makes me so sad. I just didn't know what to do. Usually when I give guys my "rules" they follow them, or decide I am too much work (which I am OK with, haha) and walk away. So when someone blatantly disregarded my rules....and rubbed up against me....urgh. I don't even know. And I made excuses for it... like "its a nightclub, I accepted his invitation to dance..." When in reality, it doesn't matter if it is on a subway, public park, or night club, people don't have permission to grind on you. It makes me soooo furious. This incident has further convinced me that "Race, Class and Gender" should be a required class taught in high schools. I feel like if men really knew how violating their actions can be, how it can make women feel SO powerless....from grinding on someone to yelling out a car window ---that maybe if we educated people, they wouldn't act in this way. Sorry these sentences aren't grammatically correct, I am just blogging exactly what I am thinking, and I don't think in pretty little sentence structures.

He approached me later and said "I took my hat off. Can we dance again?" and then I finally took a stand and got sassy with him and said "We don't live in Alabama, I don't give a shit if your hat is off, you rubbed against me when I specifically asked you not to! You crossed the line, now leave me alone."

So finally after he approached me the second time I was like "This guy is really up to no good. I wonder if we could get him thrown out..." But again, I was too much of a wuss to do anything, so I sent my girlfriends to tell a bouncer.

"You guys throw out creepers?"

"Yes Ma'am"

and him and his creeper-ass friend were tossed immediately. Later the bouncer said that they had been looking to throw him out because he looked like he was creepin', but they can't do anything unless someone complains.

LESSONS LEARNED:
1. Sometimes its OK, for you own safety to judge by appearance. I hate to say that, that women should judge by appearnace, but its happened to me SO many times. But truly...generally, if a guy looks like a creeper, he is.

2. If there are red flags, and you have a gut feeling: LEAVE. Just leave. Don't worry about being polite, its not worth it. You don't owe anyone anything. Especially creepers.

3. If someone harasses you, TELL THE BOUNCER. The bouncer will take care of it. Chances are they are just waiting to throw them out. You don't want what just happened to you to happen to other people.

4. If you see a girl who might be getting harassed, help her out. My sister Shawna and our friend Amelia laughed at my unfortunate creeper dance partner at first, but then quickly came to my aid when they realized that he was bad business. They were also the ones who told the bouncer for me. My friend Alex also stepped up to the plate and asked me if I was ok. This is what feminism is about. Women helping women. Ya ya sisterhood! haha.

FOR THE MALE READER:

Don't grind on women. Period. Its creepy and not appreciated. If the woman you are dancing with starts to "dirty dance" (I feel like an old woman typing that, but I can't come up with a better euphemism for "grinding" haha) first, then sure, go with the flow, but TRUST me---if you just met in a club, there is a 99% chance she doesn't want you all up in her shit.

And, I know I posted this like 2 posts again, but I think this pretty much expresses how I feel.
Especially the line "My soul is callused." It is so hard to not get discouraged. And like she says at the end of the poem "But I can't teach you how to say it, because I am too busy. Walking." I wish I could stop every guy who has yelled at me, honked at me, grinded on me at a club, and explained feminism, explained how it feels....but I'm too busy. Too busy protecting my safety. Too busy to stop and explain to assholes who won't listen.